Wake the Adults

Recognizing Toxic Influence on Children

Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “Most people are far too much occupied with themselves to be malicious.”

When it comes to their influence on children, however, the effects of one’s self-preoccupation can certainly appear and feel malicious to those impacted by its carelessness. In a world where both parents often work, children spend so much time with other adults. Classrooms, gymnasiums, and youth groups (to list only a few) become their arena to interact with adults. It used to be more prevalently positive, but as our society has become so divisive many adults have forgotten to check that emotion at the door when it is time to be responsible for the children under their care or leadership.

Negative influence can manifest in the irresponsible indoctrination of students to any absolute ideal, or even the toxic leadership an adult may have while presiding over a youth athletic or other extracurricular group. It can be in person or virtually. The environment isn’t as significant as the behavior within the environment is.

For a very long time, and even still currently, the polar ends of our society have tried to use military veterans as pawns. These polar ends fight ruthlessly over who has the more legitimate way to help or “save” veterans. The need to fulfill their polar argument maliciously affects the very people they claim to want to protect. And the truth is, most veterans would say that they never needed and do not need the savior complex reigning over them — that they just want self determination.

Children are no different, but sadly they have become the new pawns for the selfish or narcissistic adults in the room with a false superiority image, where they feel they are right about everything they say and do. Instead of mentoring a child whose own ideas, motivators, and dreams are nurtured and valued, our youngest members of society have become a mere extension of the adult’s personal dreams, where the child’s (or children’s) individuality is lost.

In that vacuum of narcissism is where objective motive is lost and malicious behavior is enabled, directly or indirectly — and sometimes both. These adults seem to become possessive, averse to the idea that the children they mind should be independent thinkers or dare question the adult’s motive. They see any question as a personal attack or an attempt to undermine them.

Negative influence by leaders leads to more antisocial behavior, more disregard for authority figures, and even the breakdown of interpersonal relationships because the children haven’t had their own motivations acknowledged, let alone understood.

This isn’t about allowing children to run amok and set the rules. As productive adults in society it is our responsibility to provide boundaries, but they should be healthy boundaries that allow for both grace and objection. A responsible, teacher, coach, or any other mentor of children has a responsibility to lead by example in nurturing an environment where ideas are for discussion, not a direct challenge to one’s “authority.” When an adult has become anchored in defensive behavior, it is an affirmation that their motive all along has truly been themselves as the first beneficiary — and deserving of the attention or recognition at the children’s expense.

I do not believe this always (or very often, even) means that the adult intends malice toward the children in their care. I don’t believe they would be, and certainly shouldn’t be, in the position of, teaching, leading, or mentoring children if malice were their motive. That does not mean, however, that the product of their behavior, even if well-intended, isn’t harmful, toxic, or malicious to others. When the intention doesn’t match the behavior, the integrity of the motive is lost and trust breaks down.

It becomes a moment of actionable awareness, where adults behaving in this manner need to have their motives questioned and be accountable for them. There is a heightened and critical level of self awareness that adults in mentoring positions need to maintain. It is not a subjective measure, it is an objective reality that the children, not themselves are the priority. If they are unable to both acknowledge and change the often deflective and denying nature of their behavior when confronted, then they have forfeited their better judgement.

They should do the right thing and step away from their position, to reflect. If they refuse, then it is up to the parents to speak up for their children. It is appropriate to demand the adult be removed from their position of influence over the children in their classroom, on their team, or in any other group setting. It is appropriate to expect that leadership be questioned. Good leaders accept this and even embrace it. Already-failed leaders turn accountability into blame that they can disperse onto others.

Margaret Mead, a cultural anthropologist and recipient of the Presidential Medal of Freedom, once famously said, “Children must be taught how to think, not what to think.”

It is the responsibility of the adults in the room to make that their priority again, and always, if we expect to cultivate productive future leaders.